When Light Feels Far

"When Light Feels Far: A Devotion From My Bruised Soul"

To my children…

To Ekklesia…

To the ones who think I always have it together:

Let me tell you the truth.

I don’t.

There are days when I’m scared.

Nights when I’m confused.

Moments when the weight of leadership is so heavy, I wonder if I’ll crumble underneath it.

I’ve battled depression.

I’ve fought suicidal thoughts.

I’ve asked God questions I never thought I’d ask:

“Why won’t You deliver me?”

“Why does the Light I preach about feel dim when I need it most?”

I’m a wounded leader… a bruised soul.

And yet—I’m still here.

Not because I’m strong.

But because God is faithful.

“A bruised reed He will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not snuff out…”

— Isaiah 42:3 (NLT)

That verse is my survival story.

I’ve learned that God doesn’t discard the broken — He draws near to them.

He doesn’t shame us for struggling — He shelters us in it.

I’m not less saved because I cry.

I’m not less favored because I battle dark thoughts.

And I’m not less anointed because I sometimes wonder if I’m enough.

If anything, God trusts me more because I stay faithful with a limp.

To My Children:

You don’t have to be perfect to be powerful.

You don’t have to hide your hurt to be holy.

If Daddy ever seemed distant or distracted — it was never about you.

I was just fighting battles I didn’t want you to carry.

But here’s what I want you to know:

Jesus carried me… and He’ll carry you too.

To My Ekklesia Family:

Your pastor is human.

But he’s also healing.

And as long as I have breath, I will preach this gospel—not just from the mountaintop, but from the middle of the valley too.

Even in the dark, I believe. Even through tears, I trust. Even when I can't see, I still lead.

And you can too.

Lord,

Let my honesty free someone else to speak up.

Let my scars become signs that healing is possible.

And let my life continue to prove that Your grace really is sufficient.

I may be bruised, but I’m not broken.

I may be tired, but I’m still chosen.

And I’ll keep leading… because You keep loving me.

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LoveUmorethanUknow,

Your Pastor,

Stephän Kirby

3960 Cane Run Rd

EkklesiaChristianLife.org